2026 season · Through Week 5
Dearborn is 2–3 despite scoring 121.53 points per week, second-most in the league. They are the only team to beat the weekly median in all five weeks, and their 45–10 all-play record is the league’s best. The lineup is doing its job. The schedule is running a protection racket against competent roster management.
Santa is undefeated with the highest scoring average, but Dearborn would have beaten 81.8% of the league’s other team-week scores. Same points, different opponents, dramatically less emotional damage.
Although the Dearborn Dirkas have been getting fucked, Osama has one thing to say:
ESPN projections checked October 15, 2026. Lineups and projections can change; these are not betting lines.
ESPN projection: 111.8–102.3
Dearborn has spent five weeks submitting playoff-level paperwork to a department that keeps losing the fucking forms. M.J. arrives at 2–3 too, so one of these teams gets to stop explaining why its record is misleading. Allen and Walker are the projected headliners; the true matchup is Dearborn versus another Sunday of psychological vandalism.
ESPN projection: 126.4–92.8
Lady Luck’s running backs have been doing actual manual labor while the Love Shack tries to turn good vibes into points. Bijan and Bowers meet Lamar and Taylor. The names are expensive. The forthcoming group-chat excuses are complimentary.
ESPN projection: 110.4–97.4
Globo scored 160.90 last week after four straight weeks below 95. That is not a scoring trend; that is a hostage video demanding we respect the roster. Ralph finally won and would appreciate everyone ignoring the previous four episodes. Two franchises, one suspiciously confident group chat.
ESPN projection: 109.6–107.9
Santa is 5–0 and producing enough points to qualify as a hostile foreign power in this league. KVWN’s Week 5 score was 91.50, which is less a broadcast than a technical-difficulties screen. McCaffrey, Stafford, and Kyren provide the star power. The managers provide the unsolicited victory speeches.
ESPN projection: 104.6–98.2
C-Kupps is 1–4 but just beat KVWN. Puppet is 4–1 but has a 66.90-point crime scene on the résumé. One team is selling a comeback; the other is selling the idea that nobody should look at Week 4. Puppet’s displayed projection only has eight players yet to play. Set a full fucking lineup before negotiating with destiny.
ESPN projection: 101.1–115.9
Roboto is 3–2 with an 18–37 all-play record: a Roomba that keeps falling down the stairs and somehow getting promoted. Ditka is 1–4 and would like that same performance-review system. Mahomes and Nacua meet the Young–Williams quarterback department. Somebody’s Monday apology is being drafted already.
Performance through Week 5, ranked by all-play wins: each weekly score compared with all 11 other teams. These are scoring-based rankings, not predictions.
| Rank / team | Record | All-play | Weekly verdict |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1. Dearborn Dirkas | 2–3 | 45–10 | The best weekly résumé in the league, filed directly into the shredder by the schedule. |
| 2. Santas Naughty Elfs | 5–0 | 37–18 | 127.76 points per week and undefeated. Santa brought himself the presents. |
| 3. Lady Luck's Leprechauns | 3–2 | 36–19 | Above the median four times. The name says luck; the receipts say pretty damn good. |
| 4. KVWN San Diego | 3–2 | 35–20 | A credible contender, with a Week 5 broadcast interruption at 91.50 points. |
| 5. Puppet Master | 4–1 | 33–22 | Four good median weeks and one 66.90-point faceplant. Sometimes the strings get tangled. |
| 6. Team M.J. | 2–3 | 29–26 | Barely above .500 in all-play. The league’s official “could go either way” department. |
| 7. The Love Shack | 3–2 | 28–27 | A winning record with almost perfectly average all-play results. The rent is being paid, barely. |
| 8. Hurricane Ditka | 1–4 | 23–32 | Started at 124.20, landed at 85.70. This hurricane has been downgraded to a damp inconvenience. |
| 9. Mr. Roboto | 3–2 | 18–37 | A winning record despite the fourth-worst all-play mark. Please install the schedule-luck update on Dearborn’s machine. |
| 10. C-Kupps | 1–4 | 17–38 | 96.64 points per week. The cup is half full, but mostly with waiver-wire tears. |
| 11. Wreck It Ralphs | 1–4 | 15–40 | Zero weeks above the median. Wrecking it remains the most accurate branding in the league. |
| 12. Globo Gym | 2–3 | 14–41 | 160.90 points in Week 5 after four weeks below 95. Apparently the gym finally plugged in the treadmill. |
Ordered by wins, then total points for display.
| Team | Record | Points / week | Median record | All-play | Avg. vs median |
|---|